Family is a Strength:

In the culture that I grew up in family meant: mom, dad and children, but it also meant that aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins etc. also had a place at the table. The extended family was a hidden strength that we have, a blessing. When marrying my husband I kept this in mind, because I truly believe that when you get married you're not just marrying an individual, you're marrying an entire family. So meeting his family was a huge deal in deciding if I was ready to marry this particular family. I'm grateful for the way my husband was raised and the similarities in family beliefs that we share. When meeting his family, they were also in the mindset that they were meeting a future daughter, sister or aunt.

Marriage between a man and a woman is super important, establishing a relationship between a husband and wife without the rest of the family is essential. I know that my husband comes first and I know that I come first to him, but I also know that we have the extra strength of my parents and siblings as well as his parents and siblings. I know that our children will have the strength of a huge loving family who will take care of them, not just mom and dad, but they'll have others who want nothing but the best for them.

The Family is Ordained of God:

"Fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." (The Family: A Proclamation to the world) We all have a responsibility in the family, Heavenly Father loves us so much that He sent us here in a team. Every team has different positions, these positions each have their own unique responsibility. No position is better than the others, we all need to be able to perform to the best of our abilities. 

Fathers are to preside over their families, Heavenly Father blessed us with the priesthood and through the father all of the family is able to partake of this wonderful blessing. Mothers are to nurture their children, Heavenly Father created all of us differently and unique. We are all equal in the site of God, but being equal doesn't mean being the same in responsibilities. Mothers were blessed with a love that is very unique, this helps them to give their family the love and nurture that they need. 

Today everyone seems to be trying to be the same, we're forgetting that we've always been equal, but equality doesn't mean same. We are all equal in the Lord's eyes, but we all have our role to play. We are different, man and woman, husband and wife. It's only together that we can accomplish what He wants us to. What an amazing concept!

Cleaving to Thy Spouse:

Most couples you talk to will tell you they're in a happy marriage, but even those happy marriages aren't perfect yet no one tells you that. Before a marriage you never think that maybe your spouse will require more affection than you, or maybe they will enjoy their alone time more than you. I talked with many people before marrying my best friend. I was told to talk to him about our future, what his plans were and to make sure mine lined up with his. I was told to ask him about his family situation and see if they were someone who I could call family as well. Before getting married my husband and I had all of these conversations and more, I knew that I wanted to be aware of his faults and struggles and see if I could learn to love those as well. But no one prepared me for a marriage where our love languages were different.

I know that sounds like such a simple thing, we took plenty of love tests together to figure out our different love languages, but that's all they were, tests. No one ever taught me what to do with the results, no one told me that I would need more affection than my husband, that he would feel love through the little things I do for him, like cook and clean the house. 

No one explained to me to stay mindful of your friendships with others, how something so harmless can turn into something so dangerous so quickly and easily. "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." (D&C 42:22) I've always thought that this was such a simple commandment, I never knew how hard "cleaving" in all things would be. I never realized that it was an everyday decision, when I wake up I promise that I will cleave to my husband and none else. Marriage is a working progress, it's not something that I can sit back and let happen to me.

Marriage: The Finishing School

It's hard for me to comprehend that the same person who we thought was "absolutely perfect" at the beginning of our marriage turns into someone we can't even be around sometimes! Did we choose the wrong spouse? Would it be easier to try again with someone new? At times I find myself wondering if I'm "enough" for my spouse, will I ever be good enough for him? Trying to share these feelings with him I often feel silly to even be having this discussion, why doesn't he just tell me hourly that he loves me? Marriage, or at least my marriage always seems to have these little quarrels. Would it be easier to not even talk about them and just go on about my day avoiding an awkward or heated conversation?

Through our readings this week I've learned that a lot of issues in a marriage arise from me! My personal issues are getting in the way of me fully loving my husband. It's not his responsibility to constantly be giving me attention, he has work and school that he has to focus on. I need to gain that confidence for myself, when there's a problem that arises I need to figure out why it's bothering me so much. 

Is there something that I can do differently to change the negative things I think about my husband? Should I be focusing on what he could be doing better or what I can be doing better? Those who said you have to be selfless in a marriage never explained how difficult that really is! It's hard to focus on the good things about my husband when I'm looking at a dirty house. When in the heat of things it's hard to sit back and meditate until you're calm again. Once I hit anger I'm on a rollercoaster and can't seem to get off until the end of the ride, but by then the damage is done!

Marriage truly is God's finishing school. Im not perfect at it right now, and I probably won't be perfect at it tomorrow, but thank goodness my husband promised to stay with me as I try and figure it out.

Forgiving Your Spouse:

Forgiveness is such a strong word and an even harder action. Religion does a good job at teaching how to forgive and asks that we are constantly forgiving. Social media on the other hand teaches us how to get even, how to make others feel as hurt as we do. Is this the way to live? Are you more accomplished if you get your revenge on an individual instead of forgiving them?

In a marriage I find myself a lot of times searching for the "get even" button far more than the "forgiveness" one. I like to make a point, I like to show my husband that I'm not happy with a decision he's made. How has this ended up for me? As soon as I've found myself getting ready to throw down I see my husband getting ready for the defense. He slides into his flooding stage where all he seems to do is stonewall me, I can't seem to get through, my efforts feel wasted and I feel angrier than when we started. Does forgiveness give me a different result?

When trying to understand my husbands actions instead of the feelings it caused me I've found that I'm more understanding. It feels better to see his side of things instead of gearing up for another battle. It's hard to admit when I'm wrong, it's hard to forgive him, but acknowledging his side of things is a little easier to start with. Why is forgiveness so hard? Ephesians 4:26 states "He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil" if this is the case then why is it still so hard to forgive? Anger seems like the easier path, revenge seems like a good way to go.

In my opinion the root of it all is our pride, when I focus on myself and what I want I learn that it's hard for me to forgive, it's hard for me not to want to get back at my husband. Instead when I focus on my husband and the love I have for him everything else seems so silly and small, it's easier to forgive. So I guess the bigger problem that I have is being selfish, when I can work on being selfless my marriage seems to be a lot happier.

Gottman, J. N., & Silver, N.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (pp. 136–194).

Turning Away from Yourself

 Growing up marriage was always something that you could easily get out of when the time came, and the time usually came pretty quickly. I didn't think that any marriage could last the length of time, we all change and grow so how could we possibly still love the same person forever? Of all the failed marriages I've seen there is one that has always surprised me, my parents come from two very different lifestyles, two different religions, they couldn't possibly be more incompatible, yet here they are 4 children, a college degree, two different religions, 20 years later. How is it possible that they were able to last through all of that?

In the book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by Goddard I've learned that when a couple turns away from themselves and towards each other and Heavenly Father then your marriage could last through anything. "Many Americans today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one's individual best interests" If more couples knew this, would more marriages last? Is this the secret to my parents marriage?

Within my own marriage I seem to struggle at times thinking of how my husband isn't satisfying my needs, why isn't he doing more for me? If my marriage could be a happier one if I were to just become more selfless by turning towards Heavenly Father, then why is it so hard? It's such a simple answer, "turn away from yourself," why can't I do that? Why is it that I struggle focusing on what I can do better for my husband than what he can do for me? I guess that's just another reason we're here on this earth for, to overcome ourselves.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Humility And Repentance: "O Jesus, Thou Son of God, Have Mercy On Me."In Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. (pp. 69-86)

Issues When Turning Towards Your Spouse:

Like I've said before, sometimes it's hard to be selfless, so sometimes it's hard to turn towards your spouse. We are told by our parents to "use our words" and that "communication is key" but as I've been married not all "words" are used the same way and not all "communication" is understood. When trying to turn towards my spouse I find myself not saying what I'm wanting or not understanding what my spouse is wanting. I don't know how I'm supposed to communicate what I'm wanting or how I'm feeling when a lot of times I don't even know myself.

I want my husband to understand my needs,  I want him to know what I'm thinking and feeling; communication is hard. When asking about his day I always want him to know I love him and that we're on a team. If he needs someone to gossip with I'm here, if he needs someone to solve his problems I'm here, if he just needs someone to listen to I'm his girl. I don't think my marriage is struggling right now, but I want us to be one. I'm one that likes physical contact and constant communication, I'm sort of very needy. My husband on the other hand likes his space, he grew up never really showing physical contact and only talks when something needs to be said. 

When turning towards my husband I often overwhelm him with mindless conversations and a lot of physical contact. I know these aren't things that make my husband feel loved, but how do I change that? We communicate the way we feel love, but it's hard to change the way we show it. Turning towards each other is hard. Taking marriage advice makes sense, their suggestions make sense, but it doesn't make it easy. I guess I'll continue to try, because he's worth it all. 

Gottman, J. N., & Silver, N. (n.d.). Turning Toward Each Other Instead of Away. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (pp. 87–114).

Sacrifices in a Marriage:

I enjoy talking, I always have. As soon as my husband comes home from school, work, sports or just hanging out with friends, I'm already excited to tell him how my day went. I tell him everything about my schooling, the drama between friends and family, what I'm making for dinner and just my thoughts. So naturally I married a man who listens very well (lucky for me, I can't say the same about him.) One thing I've started to notice is that I'm not the best listener. I'm not good at asking my husband how his day went, how his friends are doing or how school is going for him. 

Marriage means taking sacrifices, the sacrifice that I need to be better about is sacrificing how selfish I am. Everyone focuses on "what we give up for marriage" without realizing that through these sacrifices we are rebuilding ourselves with our spouse. These sacrifices help us to become one with our spouse just as Heavenly Father intended. This is a lifelong journey, I don't think it's something that we'll perfect in this life, or at least I know I'm no where close to achieving this.

But sometimes it's hard to continuously make these sacrifices, sometimes it's hard to feel like you're the only one making an effort, the only one contributing to the marriage. Sometimes I'd like appreciation or a pat on the back telling me I'm doing a "good job" for making all the sacrifices that I am for the sake of my marriage. Does he even notice how much I do for him? What does he do for me? I spend all day at the house trying to make it into a home, I've never been good with staying home. I like going out, but by the time he comes home he's tired from a days work. Am I sacrificing too much? Do I need to sacrifice more?

Sometimes it's hard for me, I've spent my whole life being selfish and looking out for myself. It's hard putting someone else first now. I'm used to being selfish.

Finding the Perfect Marriage

                                                

Growing up marriage was described as a fairytale. Through the church we get this idea that we marry in the temple, a castle look alike, to the man of our dreams, our prince, and then live happily ever after. No one really talks about what happens after the wedding, after a few years, what now? Two years down the road and I'm not sure if I'm doing it right. Marriage seems to be going well, but many couples claim to have a happy marriage. How can I insure that my marriage is everlasting? How can I make sure that my husband will constantly love me, how can I always be enough for him so he doesn't ever have to look for something better?

In two years of marriage the one fear I've had is not being good enough, so I've worked countlessly to try and impress my husband. I don't know if these are the correct intentions, but I have learned that through serving my husband I feel happy and more connected with him. My prayers are constantly filled with how I can be a better wife for my husband and how I can start working on being a good mom for our future children. 

I've always felt like I was close to my Savior, I've always tried to do my best at going to church, reading my scriptures, praying and being a good person, but I have never been more searching than while being married. Through marriage I've worked even harder to never forget my prayers or my scriptures, going to church or serving others. I've never prayed so much in my life, I've never tried to be more selfless than while being married to my husband. When they talk about the marriage triangle and that you grow closer to each other as you grow closer to Heavenly Father, you never really understand the feeling until you're going through it. I've never felt closer to Heavenly Father than being married. Yes I still have my insecurities and I'm sure satan works hard keeping these at the back of my mind, but I've been able to grow more as a person through the help of my Heavenly Father. 

So is there such thing as a perfect marriage? I don't believe that you can achieve perfection but it's our job to try, and through Heavenly Father's help we'll get closer and closer every day. 

Family History

Whether we like it or not our family influences a lot of our decisions. Marriage is no acception, it's the way you process it that makes all the difference. Growing up in a lot of the relationships in my family have a lot of abuse, some related to drugs and some alcohol. My parents have both grown up in this type of environment and thanks to their determination for change my siblings and I didn't experience this first hand. I've seen success and failure within many marriages around me, thanks to my family I've learned what I want in my own marriage and what I don't. When getting ready to marry, my decision was based off of what I've seen and experienced through my own family.

I've learned not only the type of man I wanted to marry, but I learned what kind of marriage I want as well. I've learned that in a marriage both partners have to be constantly working towards a better marriage, that it's a covenant, not a contract. A covenant is something that I need to always remember, because I think this is what makes a difference when things get hard. If you remember that you've made a covenant and not a contract it's a little easier in my opinion. Knowing that I have made a covenant reminds me that I promised to be with my husband even in those difficult times where it seems as though it would just be easier to quit. Marriage today is but a simple contract that we can easily tear up when something happens that we don't like. If we make the promise to ourselves to remember that this is a sacred covenant than I truly believe that we will work harder on our marriages.

Respect and Love

Marriage used to have one definition, between man and wife, yet today it has changed completely. Marriage can be between man and wife, wife and wife, man and man, or you don't even have to make that big of a commitment and can just live together instead if that makes you more comfortable. Why has the definition of marriage all of a sudden change, and how has it affected us? 

Through the new laws regarding same-sex marriage our nation has been divided in half. It's not good enough for us to be able to practice what we believe, but we have to put down those who don't agree with us. If you don't support same-sex rights then you're a horrible person. If you do support same-sex rights you're a horrible person, the hatred goes back and forth, back and forth. We tend to forget the whole reason our ancestors fought so hard to be freed from Great Britain, the freedom of religion, the freedom to choose. We don't have to agree with each other, everyone is different, and everyone has their beliefs, but we do have to respect each other.

I believe that marriage is sacred, I believe that marriage should be between a man and a wife, because this is the only way to create a family. I believe that the gift a woman has to grow a child within herself and then to continue to nurture the child all of their life is a wonderful thing. I believe that the husband should be the protector, his job is to watch over and take care of his family. These are the principles I will teach my children, but I will also teach them that it's okay for others to disagree with you. If you don't believe in marriage the way I do, that's fine. If you don't like the way I describe a family that's okay, we don't have to agree. We were given our agency to choose our own decisions, and what a wonderful blessing that is. 

Whatever our beliefs are, I think the most important thing is that we need to learn to respect each other. If we can't learn this simple task than our nation will continue to divide, and "a house divided cannot stand." I believe marriage is sacred, between a man and a wife. I shouldn't be ridiculed for believing this, no one should be ridiculed because of their beliefs.

Self Commitment

Divorce has turned into such a convenient thing, a door in the back of a closet as soon as you need a way out, growing up I was blind to this fact. I came from a family where two religions were present in our everyday lives.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, where these marriages seemed to look like such a fairytale and The Catholic church where cohabiting was common and in my family preferred. When I entered high school I told myself that I wanted to be married in the temple, because I didn't think people married in the temple ever got divorced. My first semester at BYU-Idaho opened my eyes to a culture that I hadn't really known, and I realized that divorce is such a sneaky trickster in any religion, state, culture, he tries to find you wherever you are. 

We are taught that a lot of times divorce comes because individuals have "fallen out of love" with each other; We are taught that marriage is about being selfless, so if this is the case then why is divorce so common? Do we struggle being selfless? Is it humanly impossible? We hear all the time that divorce doesn't just hurt the two people involved "children are the first victims" they are put through so much heartache because of the decisions of their parents. If by getting divorce we hurt our children, then why is divorce still so accepted? 

I used to think that the only thing that would ruin my marriage is infidelity or abuse, I used to tell myself that if my husband were to do any of these things to me then I would leave in a heartbeat. That was my closet door, hidden for when I needed a quick out. When talking to an individual about marriage I repeated my "conditions" about marriage and how I would run at the first sight of these. This sweet girl looked at me and asked "then why are you promising to this man and to your Father in Heaven to work your hardest for a marriage if you're only going to put conditions on it?" 

I soon learned that if I wanted to have a marriage with no divorce then I needed to realize that as Dallin H.  Oaks stated: "A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together towards perfection." If I wanted to insure to never have a divorce I needed to commit to myself that I will never have a divorce. I promised my husband, God, and myself that no matter the hardships that we go through, we'll go through it together. I had to commit to myself that not only will I try my best to stay selfless in my marriage, but when things go wrong, I'll still continue to try my best. I know I will sometimes come up short, but that's okay! I wasn't meant to be perfect right now, but instead to keep practicing and working towards perfection. I know when I mess up, and I know I mess up a lot, I can repent and try again tomorrow to keep working on a perfect knowledge. It all starts with the commitment I make to myself every morning to work on my marriage.