It's hard for me to comprehend that the same person who we thought was "absolutely perfect" at the beginning of our marriage turns into someone we can't even be around sometimes! Did we choose the wrong spouse? Would it be easier to try again with someone new? At times I find myself wondering if I'm "enough" for my spouse, will I ever be good enough for him? Trying to share these feelings with him I often feel silly to even be having this discussion, why doesn't he just tell me hourly that he loves me? Marriage, or at least my marriage always seems to have these little quarrels. Would it be easier to not even talk about them and just go on about my day avoiding an awkward or heated conversation?
Through our readings this week I've learned that a lot of issues in a marriage arise from me! My personal issues are getting in the way of me fully loving my husband. It's not his responsibility to constantly be giving me attention, he has work and school that he has to focus on. I need to gain that confidence for myself, when there's a problem that arises I need to figure out why it's bothering me so much.
Is there something that I can do differently to change the negative things I think about my husband? Should I be focusing on what he could be doing better or what I can be doing better? Those who said you have to be selfless in a marriage never explained how difficult that really is! It's hard to focus on the good things about my husband when I'm looking at a dirty house. When in the heat of things it's hard to sit back and meditate until you're calm again. Once I hit anger I'm on a rollercoaster and can't seem to get off until the end of the ride, but by then the damage is done!
Marriage truly is God's finishing school. Im not perfect at it right now, and I probably won't be perfect at it tomorrow, but thank goodness my husband promised to stay with me as I try and figure it out.
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