Cleaving to Thy Spouse:

Most couples you talk to will tell you they're in a happy marriage, but even those happy marriages aren't perfect yet no one tells you that. Before a marriage you never think that maybe your spouse will require more affection than you, or maybe they will enjoy their alone time more than you. I talked with many people before marrying my best friend. I was told to talk to him about our future, what his plans were and to make sure mine lined up with his. I was told to ask him about his family situation and see if they were someone who I could call family as well. Before getting married my husband and I had all of these conversations and more, I knew that I wanted to be aware of his faults and struggles and see if I could learn to love those as well. But no one prepared me for a marriage where our love languages were different.

I know that sounds like such a simple thing, we took plenty of love tests together to figure out our different love languages, but that's all they were, tests. No one ever taught me what to do with the results, no one told me that I would need more affection than my husband, that he would feel love through the little things I do for him, like cook and clean the house. 

No one explained to me to stay mindful of your friendships with others, how something so harmless can turn into something so dangerous so quickly and easily. "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." (D&C 42:22) I've always thought that this was such a simple commandment, I never knew how hard "cleaving" in all things would be. I never realized that it was an everyday decision, when I wake up I promise that I will cleave to my husband and none else. Marriage is a working progress, it's not something that I can sit back and let happen to me.

Marriage: The Finishing School

It's hard for me to comprehend that the same person who we thought was "absolutely perfect" at the beginning of our marriage turns into someone we can't even be around sometimes! Did we choose the wrong spouse? Would it be easier to try again with someone new? At times I find myself wondering if I'm "enough" for my spouse, will I ever be good enough for him? Trying to share these feelings with him I often feel silly to even be having this discussion, why doesn't he just tell me hourly that he loves me? Marriage, or at least my marriage always seems to have these little quarrels. Would it be easier to not even talk about them and just go on about my day avoiding an awkward or heated conversation?

Through our readings this week I've learned that a lot of issues in a marriage arise from me! My personal issues are getting in the way of me fully loving my husband. It's not his responsibility to constantly be giving me attention, he has work and school that he has to focus on. I need to gain that confidence for myself, when there's a problem that arises I need to figure out why it's bothering me so much. 

Is there something that I can do differently to change the negative things I think about my husband? Should I be focusing on what he could be doing better or what I can be doing better? Those who said you have to be selfless in a marriage never explained how difficult that really is! It's hard to focus on the good things about my husband when I'm looking at a dirty house. When in the heat of things it's hard to sit back and meditate until you're calm again. Once I hit anger I'm on a rollercoaster and can't seem to get off until the end of the ride, but by then the damage is done!

Marriage truly is God's finishing school. Im not perfect at it right now, and I probably won't be perfect at it tomorrow, but thank goodness my husband promised to stay with me as I try and figure it out.

Forgiving Your Spouse:

Forgiveness is such a strong word and an even harder action. Religion does a good job at teaching how to forgive and asks that we are constantly forgiving. Social media on the other hand teaches us how to get even, how to make others feel as hurt as we do. Is this the way to live? Are you more accomplished if you get your revenge on an individual instead of forgiving them?

In a marriage I find myself a lot of times searching for the "get even" button far more than the "forgiveness" one. I like to make a point, I like to show my husband that I'm not happy with a decision he's made. How has this ended up for me? As soon as I've found myself getting ready to throw down I see my husband getting ready for the defense. He slides into his flooding stage where all he seems to do is stonewall me, I can't seem to get through, my efforts feel wasted and I feel angrier than when we started. Does forgiveness give me a different result?

When trying to understand my husbands actions instead of the feelings it caused me I've found that I'm more understanding. It feels better to see his side of things instead of gearing up for another battle. It's hard to admit when I'm wrong, it's hard to forgive him, but acknowledging his side of things is a little easier to start with. Why is forgiveness so hard? Ephesians 4:26 states "He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil" if this is the case then why is it still so hard to forgive? Anger seems like the easier path, revenge seems like a good way to go.

In my opinion the root of it all is our pride, when I focus on myself and what I want I learn that it's hard for me to forgive, it's hard for me not to want to get back at my husband. Instead when I focus on my husband and the love I have for him everything else seems so silly and small, it's easier to forgive. So I guess the bigger problem that I have is being selfish, when I can work on being selfless my marriage seems to be a lot happier.

Gottman, J. N., & Silver, N.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (pp. 136–194).

Turning Away from Yourself

 Growing up marriage was always something that you could easily get out of when the time came, and the time usually came pretty quickly. I didn't think that any marriage could last the length of time, we all change and grow so how could we possibly still love the same person forever? Of all the failed marriages I've seen there is one that has always surprised me, my parents come from two very different lifestyles, two different religions, they couldn't possibly be more incompatible, yet here they are 4 children, a college degree, two different religions, 20 years later. How is it possible that they were able to last through all of that?

In the book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by Goddard I've learned that when a couple turns away from themselves and towards each other and Heavenly Father then your marriage could last through anything. "Many Americans today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one's individual best interests" If more couples knew this, would more marriages last? Is this the secret to my parents marriage?

Within my own marriage I seem to struggle at times thinking of how my husband isn't satisfying my needs, why isn't he doing more for me? If my marriage could be a happier one if I were to just become more selfless by turning towards Heavenly Father, then why is it so hard? It's such a simple answer, "turn away from yourself," why can't I do that? Why is it that I struggle focusing on what I can do better for my husband than what he can do for me? I guess that's just another reason we're here on this earth for, to overcome ourselves.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Humility And Repentance: "O Jesus, Thou Son of God, Have Mercy On Me."In Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. (pp. 69-86)

Issues When Turning Towards Your Spouse:

Like I've said before, sometimes it's hard to be selfless, so sometimes it's hard to turn towards your spouse. We are told by our parents to "use our words" and that "communication is key" but as I've been married not all "words" are used the same way and not all "communication" is understood. When trying to turn towards my spouse I find myself not saying what I'm wanting or not understanding what my spouse is wanting. I don't know how I'm supposed to communicate what I'm wanting or how I'm feeling when a lot of times I don't even know myself.

I want my husband to understand my needs,  I want him to know what I'm thinking and feeling; communication is hard. When asking about his day I always want him to know I love him and that we're on a team. If he needs someone to gossip with I'm here, if he needs someone to solve his problems I'm here, if he just needs someone to listen to I'm his girl. I don't think my marriage is struggling right now, but I want us to be one. I'm one that likes physical contact and constant communication, I'm sort of very needy. My husband on the other hand likes his space, he grew up never really showing physical contact and only talks when something needs to be said. 

When turning towards my husband I often overwhelm him with mindless conversations and a lot of physical contact. I know these aren't things that make my husband feel loved, but how do I change that? We communicate the way we feel love, but it's hard to change the way we show it. Turning towards each other is hard. Taking marriage advice makes sense, their suggestions make sense, but it doesn't make it easy. I guess I'll continue to try, because he's worth it all. 

Gottman, J. N., & Silver, N. (n.d.). Turning Toward Each Other Instead of Away. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (pp. 87–114).