Forgiving Your Spouse:

Forgiveness is such a strong word and an even harder action. Religion does a good job at teaching how to forgive and asks that we are constantly forgiving. Social media on the other hand teaches us how to get even, how to make others feel as hurt as we do. Is this the way to live? Are you more accomplished if you get your revenge on an individual instead of forgiving them?

In a marriage I find myself a lot of times searching for the "get even" button far more than the "forgiveness" one. I like to make a point, I like to show my husband that I'm not happy with a decision he's made. How has this ended up for me? As soon as I've found myself getting ready to throw down I see my husband getting ready for the defense. He slides into his flooding stage where all he seems to do is stonewall me, I can't seem to get through, my efforts feel wasted and I feel angrier than when we started. Does forgiveness give me a different result?

When trying to understand my husbands actions instead of the feelings it caused me I've found that I'm more understanding. It feels better to see his side of things instead of gearing up for another battle. It's hard to admit when I'm wrong, it's hard to forgive him, but acknowledging his side of things is a little easier to start with. Why is forgiveness so hard? Ephesians 4:26 states "He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil" if this is the case then why is it still so hard to forgive? Anger seems like the easier path, revenge seems like a good way to go.

In my opinion the root of it all is our pride, when I focus on myself and what I want I learn that it's hard for me to forgive, it's hard for me not to want to get back at my husband. Instead when I focus on my husband and the love I have for him everything else seems so silly and small, it's easier to forgive. So I guess the bigger problem that I have is being selfish, when I can work on being selfless my marriage seems to be a lot happier.

Gottman, J. N., & Silver, N.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (pp. 136–194).